I’ll take what’s behind door #1 please!

Two years ago at a routine checkup, just before my 39th birthday,  my Dr. said to me:  Do you plan on having kids?

Me: Yes.

Dr: Well, your almost 40, it will be deemed a high-risk pregnancy and I suggest you start trying sooner than later

Like fuck guy, come on!  I’m saving up for botox and caribbean vacations and you wanna drop this bomb on me??

Babes and I had been together 4 years at that point, we had a house and 2 dogs (like the best fucking dogs ever, not just any 2 shitty dogs). We were living like 18 year olds, but we had salaries – woot woot; life was good! We partied, we vegged out, we travelled.  Kids were something we talked about in passing, but there were no ‘plans’.  Everything would just fall into place eventually. My Dr. wasn’t gonna scare me with his bullying.  I had lots of time and my body felt the exact same way it always had: unathletic, but functioning.  I had this.

Fast forward 6 months:  Babes and I get in a BIG fight.  Like huge.  Like I’m packing my shit, no wait, your packing your shit – and getting the fuck out. Don’t even think about taking the mother fucking dogs shit head.

Fast forward another 24 hours: So many sorry’s. Let’s make cinnamon buns and watch a movie.

Don’t get me wrong, this fight was a doozy, but it changed our course.  We were forced to focus ask ourselves ‘what the fuck are we doing??’   Were we in this, or were we IN this!?

Apparently we were IN this!  No more slacking and I was now in charge of this circus tour!  First stop, parenthood.  If you can’t tame em, you trap em!  Am I right girls!???  Girls?? Anyway – I can see how this may look like we were rushing into parenthood just to smooth the tides – we probably were.  But fuck it.  Our babies were gonna be sooo cute!  And time was running out.  But most importantly, either one of us could have left, but we chose to stay.

I thought if you had unprotected sex ONCE you’d get preggers.  Hahaha.  Teens – if you’re reading this it’s not true – bone on!

It’s been 19 months since fight day.  I could tell you exactly how many times we’ve had sex in that time cause I have an app.  There have been ultrasounds, blood work, more blood work, more ultrasounds, sonos, fertility drugs, temperature taking, IUI’s, and so many fucking appointments (naturopaths, gynocologists, fertility clinics, osteopaths etc)  I have googled the FUCK out of everything.  I even bought fertility crystals.  Barf.  I was desperate.  Barf Barf.  Seriously though, how the fuck did the IUI not work?  There were eggs, the freeway was wide open and there were so. many. sperm. Then again though, why would I expect my 40 yr old eggs be in any better shape than the rest of me?  Ces’t la vie.

And here we are.  Still no baby and I wouldn’t change a thing. Some days we are on the fence about even having kids at all. Because vacations, and freedom,  and treats and naps all day on the couch!!  We talk and dream and plan and are closer than ever.

There have been many things I wanted in life and didn’t get.  Like jobs, opportunities, men etc.  I didn’t understand: why couldn’t I have it?  why not me? why wasn’t I good enough? why was I being rejected?  With time, I’ve realized the universe will give you yours when the time is right.  It’s the fucking best, and the worst. Most of the things I can remember wanting so badly in life are downright laughable now and I thank the universe for not listening.  Oh my god, where would I be now had I got what I thought I wanted!!??  Working the same job for the last 20 years, married to a lazy, lifeless guy who hasn’t dreamed a day in his life? Hypothetically of course;)

Turning 40 may have come with tired eggs, but it also came with faith:  ‘complete trust or confidence in someone or something’

Bring it universe.  Whatever it is, bring it. I’m ready.  When you are of course.