Four weeks ago I thought ‘going’ vegan was a lot like Crossfit – you only did it to post about it on social media. Otherwise, what’s the point?? You did it to be part of a ‘team’, find ‘your people’ and then show everyone how well your fitting in. Congrats Tommy – look at you – you used to eat glue off your fingers in grade 5, but now, jesus, 300#, amazing bud? No one on the outside really cares – in fact they want you to shut the fuck up already, but the people on the inside, oh my god, dems your peoples!
Simmer down crossfitters – I’m joking. Kind of. You know damn well it’s the hype that get’s people in the door in the 1st place and keeps them coming back for more at a cool pop of $150 month. I’ve been there – I’ve drank the kool-aid. It’s fantastic. So is cake though. And I can buy a lot of fucking cake with that extra $150/month in my pocket. (Side note: currently seeking Crossfit sponsorship/endorsement)
So – going vegan. 3ish weeks ago I watched ‘What the Health’. Two hours later you could find me sitting on the couch crying about our little piggy friends and the silly cows. I didn’t picture mass production/killings. And I certainly didn’t picture animals scared out of their fucking minds knowingly headed to their death. I never thought about manufacturers/farmers having to find ways to keep up with demand; I assumed we were only eating what naturally existed. I thought Piggy Piglet, Stanley the Cow and Charlie the Chicken were out playing soccer in the field and running through the splash pad, catching tans and eating popsicles all day. No idea what happened after that. Next thing you know it’s on my plate covered in breading, marinara sauce and melted cheese – I didn’t do it – I can’t help it! I thought we NEEDED meat and dairy; that they were the backbone of any solid nutritional plan and without them we’d grow tired, weak and basically end up sick and dying of deficiencies. And to top off sick and dying, we’d be doing it eating fucking salads?? No thanks. Would you like a milkshake with that burger? Yes please. Well guess what!? It’s not fucking true. But it is what the meat and dairy farmers want us to believe. Fucking marketing. It’s not all bubblegum and dildos apparently.
Anyway – do I now call myself a vegan? No. Did I call myself a ‘Crossfitter’ when I was doing Crossfit? No. I have a bike and sometimes ride it. Does that make me a cyclist? No – it makes me a person who has a bike. I’m also a huge bitch sometimes. Does that make me a…nevermind, you get it. I’m not sure how long you have to do something before you’re ‘one of them now’. And besides, who’s to say I won’t eat a burger again one day? I could find myself fucking starving and it’s burger city compadres! Or maybe I won’t be starving after all. My choice. But if I call myself a vegan I can’t eat the burger; not in front of anyone anyway. I like to have options. And what about my pre-What the Health leather purchases. Am I supposed to throw that shit out!?? No – I will not cry over spilled milk. Or should I say blood.
Oh, and by the way you horrible flesh eating humans, it’s not all salads. Sometimes there are beans.